If GameFAQs.com’s recent poll taught us anything, it’s that gamers have absolutely terrible tastes in games. This is why Skirmish Frogs Top Frog Eric Bailey and I have decided to create a series where we will be able to set gamers straight. We plan to explain, in a language gamers understand (plain, insult-filled English laced with hyperbole and ignorance), why what they like is bad, since they can’t seem to figure it out themselves.
To inaugurate the series, I’ve chosen the most obvious and logical game, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, the game that deservedly lost the final against the greatest game ever made and that will ever be made, UnderTale. So buckle up, babies (Editor’s Note: If you are a baby, please get an adult to buckle you up), and grab some Kleenex, I’m about to explain to you why your favourite game is garbage.
Let’s get the easy stuff out of the way: Water Temple and Navi. These two alone are enough to classify Ocarina of Tedium as pure garbage, but this is just the scum floating at the top of the Sewage Temple Lake. The lake is full of turds, so let’s dive in, but don’t drink the water.
How about sexism? Yeah, I’m going there. Ocarina of Time is basically just Zelda trying to save a princess again, just like every game where you play as Zelda (which is all of them but the one with Tinkle, which I believe was called If You Sprinkle When You Tinkle, Be A Sweatie and Wipe the Seatie. It was for the Virtual Boy). On the other hand, in UnderTale, you play as a female amazon goddess girl warrior woman badass, which is hella way better. The game also passes the Bechdel test, while Ballerina of Time doesn’t, since the princess, and Zora Princess, and the Princess of Goronia (Gonorrhoea, in the European version), and Malon, and those Gerardo Rico Suave women only talk about their boyfriend, Zelda, the male main character you control.
You can’t jump in Ocarina of Timeless Piece of Crap. It ruins the game. Why can’t you jump? Is there something wrong with your legs? In UnderTale, not only can you jump and even double jump, you can even triple murder jump. I know Zelda is white, but if you really think white men can’t jump, then you’re racist. Anyway, even if it was true, he’s only a man for half the game. The rest of the time, he’s a kid and I can tell you my two boys can jump, so why not in this game? Plus, he wears a skirt, so you can’t use the excuse that his jeans are too tight and he doesn’t want to tear them.
Fourth of all, the writing is terrible in Oh Carolina of Time. It’s all “I am Error” and “Excuuuuuuuuse me, princess” and “Do yourself a favor. Lay off the fucking candy bars.” Who wrote this shit? Where’s the humour? Meanwhile, UnderTale uses nothing but the combination of the two highest forms of comedy: weird random stuff and puns. This stuff makes Shakespeare look like a hack, which is good, because he totally was. Yeah, that’s right. Fuck Shakespeare and fuck Ocarina of Tim the Toolman Taylor. Nothing is holy or sacred here.
Besides the writing, the plot is utter garbage. Dorf On Golf is the worst bad guy I’ve ever heard of. You can’t even make out what kind of…being he is. Why is he in a painting? Was he a Mario 64 level reject? And nice horse buddy. Ever hear of a car? Newb. Why can’t he talk? Why do these people only communicate in text? Are they all Millennials? Fucking Millennials.
Ocarina of Lime in the Coconut is on a cartridge. A CARTRIDGE! What is does that even mean? A cart with ridges? Some kind of removable enclosure containing read-only memory designed to be connected to a consumer electronics device device such as a home computer or video game console? That’s not a video game. That’s a joke. UnderTale exists only as a digital entity, which is a much more sophisticated format for such a divine game. You don’t have to blow it as some kind of special favour in the hopes that it’ll actually do what it is supposed to. UnderTale doesn’t treat you like a selfish lover, always taking, never giving. Okra of Time is that really bad relationship you were in during high school. UnderTale is the passionate, cosmopolitan, and experienced lover who sweeps you off your feet and gently brings you to the shores of the undiscovered lagoon of pure bliss you’d been searching for your entire life. UnderTale will ask you to marry them and you will say yes and live a long, beautiful life with them, so take that, Orca of Time. I don’t even think about you anymore. I hope you’re dead.
The characters in Star Wars Cantina of Time are so poorly fleshed out, I believe they came close to destroying the fabric of reality by actually being zero dimensional. Dear fans of this skidmark on the underwear of gaming, did you feel an emotional connection to ANY of the characters in the game? Did you relate to any of them on any level? How could you? They’re little all just nothing more than talking signs. Seriously, if I had the technical know-how, I’d mod the game to replace all the NPCs with signs with different painted-on faces and I’m sure no one would notice. What a game.
A lot of people have talked about how Undertale made them feel. They laughed. They cried. The only time Soccerina of Time made me laugh was with its laughably bad dialog. The only time it made me cry is when that fucking owl would show up and talk to me. It made me reevaluate my life and wish I was dead.
The music in Ocarina of Crime is just awful. Three songs played on an infinite loop. That’s it. Worst of all, two of them are the same! There’s the lyricless version The Final Countdown by Europe and then there’s a MIDI version of the same song. The third song, the game’s main theme, just sounds like an old Zelda song as played by some talentless hack’s nose with some annoying hissing going on in the background. Have a listen:
Finally, Joke-arina of Time is way too easy. Now, lovers of the game, which I like to call Ocarina Fuckers, will say that the game was made so that children could play it. Children? Maybe children born in the late 80s or early 90s, but this is the 21st century and I’m pretty sure the game is too easy for today’s babies. UnderTale, thankfully, is a game for all gamers (provided they can handle all the suicides and H-scenes). I tried to show Cockarina of Time to my five year old, but as soon as he saw the title screen, he flicked his lit cigarette at me, told me to “Eat it, you old fuck,” and screeched away on his motorcycle. I haven’t seen him since. This game destroys families.
As you’ve now seen and heard, fans of Smockarina of Time, the game you love is garbage. There’s no denying it. Now, having wrongly loved it all these years doesn’t make you a bad person. It just makes you a terrible gamer. However, you may be a terrible person for completely unrelated reason. Frankly, given your questionable tastes in gaming, I wouldn’t be surprised. The question is, now that you’ve been shown the light, will you fear it? Will you remain in the darkness of your cave of ignorance, chasing the shadows dancing on the walls like some prehistoric buffoon, or will you step into the warm though blinding light of truth. I know it can be scary at first, but trust those of us who know better than you. Put your faith and trust in your betters. We know what’s good for you. We’re only here to help, but you have to want to be helped.
Now sure which game will be getting our special treatment next. There are so many games that aren’t UnderTale, so it’ll be tough to choose one.