Fuck this game.
FUCK this game….
FUCK THIS BULLSHIT GAME!
Ugh…. How did I get myself into this mess.
As some of you may or may not know, in addition to writing blogs I run a Twitch Channel called g1 Gamedays. On this channel, several different hosts play online multiplayer games with our community EVERY WEEK.
This year we participated in Extra Life, a fundraiser aimed at making money for local Children’s Hospitals. We set a goal for $750 and managed to blow out goal out of the water. We raised over $1600 dollars. This was great for the fundraiser but horrible for the hosts and me. Since we raised so much money, we met our stretch goal… and now all g1 Gamedays hosts have to play and stream a game they hate.
Since I don’t stream, I decided to pick two games to play. The first was Mega Man X7 (which I had to postpone because my PS2 broke), and the second was Bomberman: Act Zero… a fucking abomination of a game.
A little background… I really liked the Bomberman series. I never got super deep into it, but it was a go-to game for myself and all the friends. My favorite in the series was the ones with the kangaroos… I think it was on the Genesis or Super Nintendo. I even like the often overlooked and underappreciated NES and N64 games. So when I first popped Bomberman: Act Zero into my Xbox 360, I knew it would be bad (because I heard all the stories) but I didn’t know how bad it could be… because how can you fuck up Bomberman!?
Well here’s how Konami fucked up Bomberman.
#1) A Dark and Gritty Reboot
Bomberman is a happy and colorful game about murdering your friends with bombs and kangaroos and powerups, and often killing yourself by accident…
Now HERE is the story for Bomberman: Act Zero.
“I woke up in a cold, dark basement.
Could this be a dream, or is it reality?
In a blurry haze, all I am aware of is my own existence.
My body feels heavy, rigid, and cold.
What am I doing in this place…?
The World War was seemingly endless.
Each nation came to possess lethal weapons of massacre.
But to fall behind would mean one’s own destruction.
Soneedless battles ensued, and the world was ravaged.
Far the the east, a giant underground facility was built.
A plan to develop “The Ultimate Human Weapon.”
In order to overcome the ever-worsening horrors of war, this highly classified plan was hatched deep underground.
The scientist involved had opted to utilize human faculties—physical, intellectual, and special abilities.
Human frames are cultured artificially, infused with battle-conditioned memories and fitted with special armaments.
Each subject breathes its first breath of life underground.
They know nothing of why they are here, or why they were born.
But the ‘program’ gives them one order:
Only one can survive.
Each subject must eliminate all others, or be disposed of.
When manufactured, a test subject is not yet complete.
It must hone its abilities in actual combat, and survive long enough to break free of the Prison.
Only then will it have achieved its true purpose.
Subjects are constantly manufactured and forced to fight.
Only the best of the best are sent to the battlefield above.
This is how the ‘Prison Program’ works.
300 years have passed since the program’s conception.
Its creator has been dead for centuries.
But the Prison Program continues to run like a well-oiled machine. Even today, the test subjects are faithfully following orders to fight and survive.
Will the end of this war
provide a beacon of hope for all mankind?
Or will it plunge the world into the
depths of hopelessness?
Once again, a new battle is about to begin.”
WHAT. THE FUCK.?
#2) Gospel Dark Final Fantasy Music
Listen to this…
Now listen to this…
Finally, listen to this…
One of these things is not like the other, one of these things just doesn’t belong.
#3) FIRST PERSON BOMBERMAN
Bomberman: Act Zero has two single player game modes to play. There’s a standard mode which provides the traditional top-down view, then there is Bomberman: FPB… which I was TOLD stands for First Person Bomber.
That sounds like a terrible idea, but I wouldn’t know for sure. This is because First Person Bomber gives you an over the shoulder THIRD PERSON camera angle.
In a game where you need to be aware of the entire board to see your enemies and their bombs, what I REALLY LOVE is being close up on my character.
#4) ‘BEATING’ The Game
As mentioned before the game has two single-player modes. Standard Bomberman and FPB. In each of these game modes your goal is to beat 99 Levels full of AI bombers. In FPB mode you get health, and bombs deal certain damage based on strength and how long you’re in the explosion. In standard mode, one bomb = death.
In each of these game modes, there are 99 levels, no continues, and no saves.
Your reward for beating these modes is nothing but an image… but I wouldn’t know. I couldn’t get past level 10.
#5.) Sexy Bomberman
Bomberman: Act Zero is a gritty reboot, in the future, with war and devastation… so you know what we need… Sexualized robots with jiggle physics, robo- cod pieces, thongs, and heels… and just…… junk…
I’m done. This game sucks.
Don’t play it.
Next up on Woodyman’s Backloggery – Dear Esther