Your Favourite Game is Garbage – Super Mario World

Super Mario World is probably the worst Mario game ever made. There’s nothing even remotely good about it. The music, the graphics, the everything: it’s all shit. Here’s why.

First of all, the music. Quick, try to hum even a few notes from any track in this game. Ha, nice try. That’s MMMbop by Hanson, you ignorant and uncultured sack of vomit. See? You can’t do it. Super Mario World is the Nickelback of video game sountracks.

Now for the graphics. Where do I even start? The small Mario sprite in this game is probably the ugliest I’ve ever seen for the plumber in overalls. And yes, I’m including what he looked like in the Atari 2600 version of Mario Bros. It’s that awful. Then you’Ve got the fact that with every new Mario game, it look like Nintendo hires younger and younger artists. In this one, they’ve reached the point where they only hired tweens (in the next game, Super Mario World 2, they clearly hired toddlers). As for everything else, WHY IS EVERYTHING SO SHINY?! Seriously. Just look at the image above. Has the entire world been covered in shellac? I can only think of one reason to do this to a game and it’s the same thing they do to shitty, year-old apples that have had their shelf-life artificially inflated by being locked away in a gas-filled chamber: you cover that garbage in whatever you need to in the hopes that it looks at least mildly palatable to the uninformed masses. Did the first three Super Mario games do this? Of course not! The first two were actually good games, while the third could just coast on how great the second one was. Nintendo couldn’t get away with that crap this time around though, so they got desperate and made everything shiny, using effects to make their absolutely terrible product look good. Like those garbage apples. Super Mario World is the James Cameron’s Avatar of video games.

The power-ups? THE POWER-UPS! You’ve got the star again. And the mushroom. Again. And the fire flower *sigh* again. The power balloon and Yoshi’s wings don’t count because they’re terrible and you barely get them. That leaves us with the most nonsensical item in the history of Mario games, which is saying A LOT: the cape feather. Even its name is shit. Cape feather? Why? Is it a cape made of feathers? No. So it must be a…feather made of capes? Wrong again. The item is clearly a feather when it comes out of an item box, but when you get it, Mario wears a cape that has nothing to do with feathers. It makes absolutely no sense and completely ruins the immersion. The first time I played this game and got the cape feather, I immediately threw the controller at the console, ripped the cartridge out of the ugliest console ever made, and snapped it in half over my brother’s face. My brother wasn’t even mad. To this day, he still tells people it’s the most justifiable act I ever committed. When I had my first kid, my wife practically insisted that we use “Fuck This Cape Feather Bullshit It’s Shit Fuuuuuuuuuuck” for his middle name. Super Mario World is the Carrot Top of video games.

Now THIS is a game I can see myself enjoying.

The name: Super Mario World? Nothing about this game is Super. World? The Oxford English Dictionary defines world as “The earth, together with all of its countries and peoples.” The “world map” in this game looks more like several small islands, not even continents. This is blatant false advertisement and I would like to invite all of you to join my class action lawsuit against Nintendo. It’s time they got put in their place. Super Mario World is the Charlie Sheen of video games.

The bosses are also awful. This is nothing new. Boss fights in Mario games have always been awful (except for Super Mario Bros. 2). Super Mario World didn’t invent this for the series, but they did invent giving the bosses shitty names. Larry Koopa is named after Larry the Cucumber from VeggieTales, a show that makes Paw Patrol look like a work of pure genius. Morton Koopa was named after Morton Downey Jr., Robert Downey Jr’s brother, both of whom are part of the famous acting family, the Downey Jrs. Wendy O. Koopa was named after Wendy O. Williams, the lead singer of the Plasmatics, a punk band known for near-nudity, explosions, and chainsaws. Roy Koopa was named after Patrick Roy, the hockey goalie who had a few good seasons. Lemmy Koopa was named after Pierre Lemire, a Canadian white nationalist. Ludwig von Koopa was named after the French punk band, Ludwig von 88. Finally, there’s Iggy Koopa, named after some old golfer. It looks like someone at Nintendo was a punk rock fan…and a fucking racist! Super Mario World is the Donald Trump of video games.

Iggy Pop, the “famous” golfer

I’m sure someone stopped at the beginning of that last paragraph and immediately jumped in the comments to inform me that the Koopalings were in SMB 3 first. Ok, fine, let me revise my statement: Super Mario World is the “electing Donald Trump to a second term” of video games. Plus, the weirdest one is Reznor, and not only is he new, he was named after a British HVAC company because…drugs?

So there you have it. The undeniable truth that Super Mario World is garbage. I’ll even go one step further and say that you, yes YOU, dear reader, are garbage for even liking it. Please post your apologies for years of misguided love you’ve given this game and your praise of my colossal intellect in the comments below. You’re welcome.

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About Atsinganoi

Atsinganoi started gaming in the early 80s on an Atari 2600 and still thinks they're kinda neat. You can find him on Twitter if you want, just don't call him a frog.

One Comment

  1. Curse you! I took up the music challenge and now IT WONT LEAVE MY HEAD. I hope you’re happy!

    “Ding-ding, ding, ding–ding, di-di-da-ding-ding. Ding-ding, da, ding-ding, di-di-da-diiiiiing…”

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