A year ago, Jared “Wally” Waldo wrote about only having beaten two Zelda games despite owning pretty much all of them. He vowed to spend the next year fixing this. He said he was going to attack his dreaded backlog of games and put the Zelda games to the top of his priority list. I left a comment explaining that I would do what I’m doing now if he failed.
Look at his reply. He clearly accepted this as a consequence for his failure. He also promised to keep me posted on his progress. So, you can imagine my surprise today when he tweeted me a link to his year old post. This is the first and only “update” I’ve received. Wally is a damn liar. I though he was my friend, but he lied to me. What is wrong with him?
To make matters worse, he had ample opportunity to keep me posted. We exchanged tweets and even DMs through Twitter throughout the year. Hell, the guy even went as far as scouring the web for my home adress just so he could send me a handwritten letter that made absolutely no mention of his Zelda game-beating progress. To make matters worse, he didn’t include a return adress for me to reply with a devastating takedown of his disgusting non-Zelda-game-beating lifestyle.
Still, I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. I thought he was my friend and deserved another chance to make things right between us. But today, he sent me the non-beating-Zelda-games equivalent of a picture of himself cheating on me with another person. Call me naive. Call me too trusting. Call me all manner of names if you’d like. I deserve it, but do not forget that I am the one who has been wronged here. To be honest, we have all been wronged. Wally is a bad person and you should hate him. He never beat A Link to the Past or any other Zelda game this year. He did, by his own admission (via DM), beat 9 games. 9 GAMES! NINE. GAMES. THAT. WEREN’T. ZELDA. What drives a person to be so utterly despicable?
An easy answer would be to point out that Wally lives in Canada’s Texas, but that would be unfair. Lots of decent people live in Alberta. In fact, I’d even go as far as saying that the vast majority of Albertans are good people. Wally just isn’t one of them.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight. Or it could be that his head wasn’t screwed on just right. But I think that the most likely reason of all… may have been that his brain was two sizes too small. That, and the fact that he’s just a rotten person, but maybe not everything about him is terrible.
He really did mail me a handwritten letter, to my house, like, regular mail and stuff. In an envelope and everything. It was a really nice letter. I don’t think I’d gotten an actual letter in the mail in 20 years. He had lots of nice things to say and I was happy to receive and read it.
And, I mean, he is a very pleasant fellow. Every interaction I’ve had with him has been enjoyable. I even eagerly await for the next one. Whether it’s on Twitter or in Skirmish Frog’s or, in the past, 1 More Castle’s comments sections, he comes across as a thoroughly nice dude.
He also writes interesting stuff. I love seeing a new post of his and look forward to reading it. He’s even got a YouTube channel where I really hope he continues his Cartoon Chronicles series, because if the first episode, which you can watch here, is any indication, it’s gonna be great.
So, here we are. It’s a year after he said he would do something, and he didn’t do it. How do we, follow gamers, react to this? Confiscate his Gamer Card™ and place him on probation? Maybe with some community service in the form of forced playing of Shaq Fu? Do we use this post as a stern warning and give him another year? Personally, I vote for the death penalty. He can serve as an example for others, like @ithinkibrokeit for never beating Symphony of the Night, @septicor for never beating ToeJam & Earl, @nintendo_legend for never beating Ninja Gaiden II, or me for never beating a single Pokémon game. Maybe sins don’t go unpunished? In reality though, we’re all video game sinners. What I’m saying, I guess, is that we all deserve the death penalty.
Happy holidays, everyone!