This is post is not safe for work, and could be considered offensive if you’re a person who gets offended by words. If that’s you, piss right off back to your hugbox on Facebook and post pictures of your lunch.
This week, it’s time to go click-baiting like crazy by celebrating the release of Batman V Superman on home video (home BluRay?). This One On One interview took a lot of leg work to lock down, but I’m absolutely thrilled to introduce you to our guest today. Ladies and gentlecopters, I give you Superman’s sidekick…
Batman: What the hell is this? I’m not Superman’s sidekick, I’m the goddamn Batman!
The Requiem: Great to see you, Batman! Wow, so Batman V Superman is finally available in our homes on digital, DVD and BluRay! What a month, right?
Batman: No. no. Before we keep going with this, I want to clarify that I’m not Superman’s sidekick.
The Requiem: So what was it like finally hitting the big screen with your World’s Finest partner in crime-fighting? And whose idea was it to pit superhero versus sidekick in such a dramatic fashion?
WorldBatman: Goddammit! I’m not Superman’s sidekick!
The Requiem: Ha! Nice. Well then who is Superman’s sidekick, then, smarty-cape?
Batman: Nobody! I don’t know, Krypto, maybe…
The Requiem: The dog? Oh, Bats, you’re such a kidder. Never change you big goof!
Batman: I’m not Superman’s sidekick. How can I be a sidekick when I myself already have a sidekick?
The Requiem: Get out! You have a sidekick? This should be good…
Batman: Yes! Robin!
The Requiem: I thought Robin was your “ward?”
Batman: He’s both! Although the term we’re using is “adopted” now, not ward.
The Requiem: Adopted? That’s gross!
Batman: What the hell is so goddamn gross about it?
The Requiem: Well, everybody knows about you and Robin, and your “thing.” It’s always been pretty clear that the word “ward” was used to be a little cagey about the whole thing, but we all know what was really going on.
Batman: Oh, goddammit! Not this “You and Robin are gay” shit again!
The Requiem: Whoa, whoa, whoa, guano-man! Why so testy? I had no idea you were such a self-loathing homophobe.
Batman: I’m. Not. Gay.
The Requiem: Okay, Mr. “Not-Gay-Batman,” when was the last time you banged a chick?
Batman: …This is retarded.
The Requiem: Gasp! The R-word!? What a shitlord you are! I’m triggered as fuck right now. Seriously though, let’s do the checklist: Catwoman?
Batman: No, we haven’t, uh…
The Requiem: Batgirl?
The Requiem: The Huntress?
Batman: Ugh. No.
The Requiem: Batwoman?
Batman: Batwoman is a goddamn lesbian!
The Requiem: Oh, that’s the line she gave you, huh? It’s cool.
Batman: You’re full of shit. Oh, I banged Talia Al Ghul!
The Requiem: Yeah, like 30 years ago.
Batman: Shut up! I’m too busy to pursue women!
The Requiem: Yeah, and Robin is always right there with you…
Batman: Goddammit! I conserve my extra sexual energy and redirect it into my crime-fighting.
The Requiem: Soooo… You bang criminals? Isn’t that kind of “rapey?”
The Requiem: No, you don’t bang them, or no it’s not…
Batman: No I don’t bang criminals!
The Requiem: Oh, okay. Just wanted to make sure.
Batman: “Rapey.” You’re disgusting.
The Requiem: Hey, you’ve already admitted to not banging Catwoman, so I assumed that you were just banging the male criminals, which I don’t think anyone would really fuss about.
The Requiem: You know, Superman fights crime all the time and he still has time to bang chicks. I guess that’s just the sidekick’s burden, huh Bats?
Batman: I’m not Superman’s sidekick!
The Requiem: Okay, fine. I’ll drop the whole gay thing. But still, Superman has powers. What powers do you have?
Batman: I’m… uh, really smart.
The Requiem: I’ve known a lot of smart people, but I don’t think that makes them superheroes. It might make them good sidekicks, though.
Batman: I have my own books! I have my own movies!
The Requiem: Yeah, and that’s great! I think that it’s awesome that you’ve finally managed to get out of Superman’s shadow and break out to get your own thing going…
Batman: DC Comics is called DC Comics for MY book: Detective Comics. If it was all about Superman, they would have called the company AC Comics for Action Comics!
The Requiem: I just want the record to show that you brought up the AC/DC stuff again while I was totally ready to leave it behind…
The Requiem: God damn it, indeed. Let’s talk some video game stuff since this is a retro gaming site, after all. That sound good?
The Requiem: Aw, so broody! Easy one here: what’s your favorite Batman game?
Batman: Arkham City.
The Requiem: Ugh, okay. I guess I should have asked, what’s your favorite Batman game on a retro system?
Batman: The Adventures of Batman & Robin.
The Requiem: Oh, of course. I see.
Batman: What? What now? It’s a great game! Its effects push the limits of the Genesis hardware, and it has an amazing soundtrack!
The Requiem: Uh-huh. Both The Adventures of Batman & Robin and Arkham City both let you play as Robin, too…
Batman: Oh, Christ.
The Requiem: So, the batmobile. The SEGA CD version of The Adventures of Batman & Robin is an all-batmobile game that kind of sucks other than the cutscenes, the SNES version of Batman Returns also has really bad batmobile stages shoehorned into it. Now Arkham Knight was released not too long ago, and the batmobile portions are shit. What is it about the batmobile that consistently fucks up video games?
Batman: Batman Returns on SEGA CD had batmobile stages, and they weren’t too bad.
The Requiem: …uh….
Batman: Got nothing to say to that, prick?
The Requiem: …You like teenage boys.
Batman: Fuck you!
The Requiem: Fun fact, you’re also an enemy boss in the early versions of The Revenge of Shinobi…
Batman: I’m going to pound you retarded when this interview is over.
The Requiem: Ooh! My body is ready. So when you were in Revenge of Shinobi, your character flies. Why is that?
Batman: Oh. That. Yeah, the game is Japanese, of course, and in Japan, if a superhero wears a cape, it means they fly.
The Requiem: Get out! Is that really a thing?
Batman: Yeah, I heard it on a featurette from one of the Batman: the Animated Series DVD sets.
The Requiem: Keen. So, other characters that were in those first runs of Revenge of Shinobi included Spider-man, Godzilla, and Rambo. What was it like to work with those guys?
Batman: Spider-man’s webbing grosses me out.
The Requiem: Yeah, I’ll bet it was salty and kind of bleach-tasting.
The Requiem: I hear that eating pineapple or drinking pineapple juice can help that.
Batman: Oh my God…
The Requiem: So, when SEGA got called out by AC Comics for…
Batman: DC COMICS!
The Requiem: Okay! Jeezus! Called out by DC Comics for using their copyrighted character, they swapped you and several of the other bosses with alternate character sprites, though they went through the effort to keep Spider-man. That had to sting a little…
Batman: Not really.
The Requiem: Not even when they replaced you with what looks like your villain, Man-Bat?
The Requiem: You like teenage boys.
Batman: That’s it! I’m going to plow you into the pavement!
The Requiem: No, I don’t think you will.
Batman: Oh, yeah, this is happening right now!
The Requiem: No, I still think not. You see, I have your kryptonite, Bats. I hold the key to your destruction.
Batman: This had better be good.
The Requiem: Behold this image! Proof that Batman is a misogynist!
Batman: Oh my God. You don’t understand- she, uh, she had it coming… She just made me so mad…
The Requiem: Do you really think that those who consume media with a 140-character limit are interested in context, Batman? Now, say you’re gay with Robin.
Batman: I had to do it! You weren’t there! She said such awful things! You would have done the same!
The Requiem: Victim blaming now, Batman? Really?
Batman: But, but…!
The Requiem: Dare I post this to Twitter, Batman? Dare I unleash the Church of the Perpetually Offended on you? No hero has the power to withstand their level of social media disdain! The hashtags, the horn-rimmed glasses, the Dark Knight vs. the White Knights…
Batman: No! I’ll do anything! Just don’t post that image to Twitter!
The Requiem: Say you’re gay with Robin.
Batman: I’m gay. So is Robin. We bufu all the time.
The Requiem: Um, okay! That was easy. Now pull down your pants and cut your dick off.
Batman: Whatever you say!
The Requiem: Wait! Stop! Holy shit, STOP!
The Requiem: JESUS CHRIST!
Batman: Uh, so much blood. I think I’m going to pass out…
The Requiem: I was just joking, Batman! I didn’t want you to actually do it!
Batman: It’s… okay. At least now, now nobody can call me a misogynissssss………
The Requiem: Batman? Batman?! NOOOOOOO!!!!!
If you loved this interview (and who can blame ya?), you can check out more One On One interviews with The Requiem here.