Last month, Sonic the Hedgehog was inducted into the World Video Game Hall of Fame. A happy 25th anniversary present, indeed! Congratulations, Sonic!
Last year’s inductees were actually a part of this year’s panel of judges, and I managed to track down one of them to get a quick sense of how things went behind the scenes. The inductee/judge insisted on a condition of anonymity, however, so I will be referring to him only as “Deep Stomach.”
The Requiem: Was it a close vote this year?
Deep Stomach: Mamma mia! This-a year was a highly competitive one! It’s-a good thing that Sonic brought his A game!
The Requiem: Was it really all that rough? Sonic didn’t make the final cut last year, but a lot of people probably expected him to be a shoe-in this year.
Deep Stomach: We was-a all worried that this-a year Sonic would have the same problems as last year.
The Requiem: What problems are those?
Deep Stomach: The swimsuit competition! Last-a year, Sonic’s quills poked-a holes in his suit. It was a quite embarrassing wardrobe malfunction!
The Requiem: Yeah, but didn’t you have trouble with that event last year, too? I mean, the word is that your fat ass trotting around in skivvies made two judges throw up and one of them even passed out.
Deep Stomach: Heh-heh… Um, that’s-a not true, is it?
The Requiem: I’m just telling you what I heard. I’m sure as shit not going to look for any video evidence of that at this point. Anyway, so Sonic did okay with the swimsuits this year?
Deep Stomach: It was-a like a miracle! Sonic looked-a fantastic! Maybe Knuckles helped cram all of that-a hedgehog into that-a slick little thong. Sonic looked so good, that my cream-filled cannoli grew three sizes! It was-a like someone shoved a magic mushroom in my pants! Mamma mia!
The Requiem: That’s great. And disturbing.
Deep Stomach: Maybe you could-a cut that last comment out?
The Requiem: Yeah, maybe. So tell us about the other parts of the competition.
Deep Stomach: Other parts?
The Requiem: You know, was there a talent competition, an evening wear competition, that sort of thing?
Deep Stomach: No. Just-a the swimsuits. All anyone really wants to see is video game characters-a parading around in swimsuits.
The Requiem: That makes sense. Well, thanks for speaking with me today. I’m sure that you have other important things to do.
Deep Stomach: Who-a me? No way! My parent company isn’t-a planning on making any more new games until 2017. Until-a then, I’m-a gonna stuff my belly silly with spazatini!
The Requiem: Spazatini? That doesn’t sound like a real thing. What’s that?
Deep Stomach: You really don’t-a wanna know.
* Artwork by AngelofHappiness.
** Artwork by KCee.
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