One on One with The Requiem: ToeJam & Earl

One_on_one_with_the_requiem_toejam_earl_skirmish_frogsThe Requiem’s legendary interview series returns to Skirmish Frogs! Today, a new guest, new insight, and new, hard-hitting journalism like only The Requiem can deliver!*

One_on_One_with_the_Requiem_toejam_and_earl_genesis_cover

The Requiem: Opening salutational catchphrase! Welcome to another installment of One on One with The Requiem. I am your titular host, and with me today is Earl, one of the stars of HumaNature Studio’s ToeJam & Earl series. How are you Earl?

Earl: ‘Sup, bitch.

The Requiem: ….Oh, uh, not much.  So I’d like to talk about a lot of stuff today, including the recent successful ToeJam & Earl: Back in the Groove kickstarter from last year! I think our readers here at Skirmish Frogs are in for a real treat. I’m sorry to say that our original plan was to have both ToeJam AND Earl here today. It’s a real shame that ToeJam couldn’t join us as well. Do you know what his excuse is, Earl?

Earl: Fuck ToeJam! That lanky-ass piece o’ shit ain’t got dick on big Papa Earl!

The Requiem: Ha! Is he still not letting you drive the spaceship? I mean, it’s not like you can blame him, am I right?

Earl: Bitch, shut the fuck up!

The Requiem: Uh, wow… dang… Okay, well, maybe we can catch ToeJam some other time, right? Moving on… then. It, uh, looks like you’ve really let yourself go and gained quite a bit of weight since we last saw you, Earl. It’s, uh, a little disturbing. I mean, I thought you were plenty chunky before, but Jesus Christ…

Earl: Yeah, mother-fucker, I’ve been working out.

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This screenshot is from the second Genesis game. Please note the panic on Funkotron. Don’t blink, or you’ll miss it.

The Requiem: Well, it looks like it’s really paying off for you. Though may I humbly suggest a bit more cardio?

Earl: Nah, bitch, nah, “you may not.” Hoity-toity talkin’ mutha fucka…

The Requiem: Well, good luck with that then. Speaking of disgusting bags of lard, you actually met the real Santa Claus in your adventures. I think what the world really wants to know is, what does he smell like? Magic and small children?

Earl: Yeah mutha fucka, you’re right, he does kinda smell like Michael Jackson.

The Requiem: I see. So, I’m going to break script here and just ask, what’s with all of anger and foul language, Earl? You always seemed like a funky yet pleasant, teddy-bear type to me.

Earl: Fuck that shit, bitch. There ain’t no “hip” in the old school hip-hop anymore. You gotta be all edgy and shit to stay relevant these days, otherwise nobody gives you any cred. You get what I’m sayin’ bitch?

The Requiem: Oh, yeah, I gotcha, bitch. So, there were some rumors that you and ToeJam were dropped from the roster of Sonic & All-Stars Racing Transformed to make room for the inclusion of Danica Patrick. However, the Sumo Digital guys later claimed that your absence was really due more to legal and timing issues between SEGA and your creators. Can you give us your perspective on that, bitch?

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Looks like Santa’s bowl full of jelly just sprung a leak.

Earl: Danica Patrick? Fuck that bitch-ass-hoe! I’ma gonna end that bitch if I ever see her!

The Requiem: I think what you meant to say is that she is smoking hot, and that she can “Go Daddy” on us any day of the week.

Earl: The fuck you say, bitch?

The Requiem: Oh, nothing, bitch. So, on the topic of bitches and hoes, there was a third character named Latisha added to your Xbox game, ToeJam & Earl III. Have you heard from her lately? What’s the story on her?

Earl: Oh, yeah. We fucked.

The Requiem: ….That’s it?

Earl: Yep.

The Requiem: That’s the whole story?  “You fucked?”

Earl: Uh-huh.

The Requiem: Alrighty then. So, um…

Earl: (Laughing) Okay, stop.

The Requiem: What?

Earl: Stop, stop, stop. (Still Laughing) I’m just messing with you, buddy.

One_on_One_with_the_Requiem_toejam_and_earl_3

Of course we should have expected some romance to break out between Earl and Latisha when their loading screens were “en Français.”

The Requiem: Huh?

Earl: Yeah, man. It’s all good. I’m not really a pissed off, foul-mouthed ass hole. I’ve just been messing with your head.

The Requiem: Oh! Ha! Okay! Okay, good. Wow. You really had me going, there.

Earl: I know man, you were scared.

The Requiem: Yeah, a little bit. Wait! Can we still call each other “bitch?”

Earl: Sure thing, bitch!

The Requiem: Great! Okay then, bitch, what’s the real story on Latisha, in that case?

Earl: Oh, that answer was totally true. We’ve banged each other like a thousand times. We have something like seventeen kids now.

The Requiem: Geez, seventeen? That’s quite a handful, bitch.

Earl: They don’t call me big Papa Earl for nothing, T.R.

The Requiem: T.R…  I like that. Yeah. Anyway, so what are their names?

One_on_One_with_the_Requiem_toejam_and_earl_3_dreamcast

In another, better version of reality, this is a real thing.

Earl: Oh, dang, the kids? Who can remember? John, maybe? (Laughs)

The Requiem: Yeah, kids… Who needs ‘em, right? Damn… Damn…

Earl: You good?

The Requiem: Oh, yeah, sorry. I really just can’t get over how fat you are these days, Earl. I’m sorry. That’s rude to say, I know. Oh! So, you’re from the planet Funkotron, but is there anything that you miss about Earth? Maybe the mutant monster mailboxes?

Earl: Aw, hell no! (Laughs and burps loudly) Oh, excuse me there, T.R. Hah! Too much Funkotronian soda pop on the tummy, huh?

The Requiem: Ha, yeah, sure I… uh, Earl, you have something sticking out of the corner of your mouth there.

Earl: Huh? Oh! (quickly shoves it back into his mouth) Sorry.

The Requiem: Wait, is that… was that a… shoelace?

Earl: What? Nah, nah… nah…

The Requiem: Earl… Did… Did you… eat… ToeJam?

Earl: ….

The Requiem: ….

Earl: ….

The Requiem: ….

Earl: ….

The Requiem: ….

Earl: ….

The Requiem: ….

Earl: …. Look, uh, T.R….

The Requiem: Don’t ever fucking call me that.

*A version of this One on One interview originally appeared at SEGAnerds.com. While we didn’t get around to discussing the successful ToeJam & Earl: Back in the Groove kickstarter campaign, you can still contribute to the game and its creators here.
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About The Requiem

The Requiem is an old-school gamer and a new-school potty mouth. While he may fancy himself some kind of an electric ninja-superhero... thing, he's really just a normal dude with a weird sense of humor and a hard-on for anything SEGA, Metroid or Mortal Kombat. You can follow The Requiem on Twitter @UnboundRequiem, where he regularly posts about all kinds of gaming nonsense, including retro games, his SEGA Nerds contributions, and other stuff.

3 Comments

  1. nice dude, enjoyed this read 🙂

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