Atari Poop – Video Game Jesus

Recently, I saw someone tweet two images, which you’ll find below. I guess it was the final push I needed to get some things off my chest. Something dark and evil and sinister. Secrets I’ve kept for nearly 40 years. The following information will likely shock you, but it is all true.

I’m here to clear the air. I will be condemned for what I’m about to say here, but the lies need to stop. The people deserve the truth. Those like me who have performed all the necessary arcane rites and incantations and have made the three blood sacrifices as layed out by L. Ralph Baer’s Gamenetics already know what I’m about to reveal. It is a secret that we have guarded closely. We have even committed crimes to prevent the truth from getting out to the general public. No, @GunMetalJackal, you aren’t the only one who sees this, because it was what we always intended for you, at least subconsciously, to see. The members of gaming’s theosophist illuminati, also know as Gamingtologist or member of the Church of Gamingtology, have always know that E.T. and R.O.B. the Robot are the same person and, even more importantly, Jesus.

Sup E.T.

Phoning home was a metaphor for returning to heaven.

As the 20th century rolled along, more and more people were leaving established religions, but cults seemed to be gaining in popularity. With that a mind, a few people decided to get together and manufacture a religion in the hopes of bilking the clueless masses out of their money. However, as with most plans, the people involved got greedy, personality conflicts emerged, disagreements became literal internecene wars, and everything went out of control.

Goguen+Bushnell+Yamauchi+West-1974

The good ol’ days.

I was one of these founding members. I remember the first time I met Nolan Bushnell, Hiroshi Yamauchi, and Kanye West. Yes, THAT Kanye. He much older than his official bio states. In fact, his stated birth date, June 8th, 1977, was simply a date that became so important, he now claims it as his birthdate. To us, he would say it was because it was the day he finally really became alive. It was the date we officially started our own religion. We all knew each other years before and had talked about starting a religion, but it was Kanye who suggested we use video games as the basis of our religion and that we should use Bushnell’s Atari VCS’s imminent launch as our starting point.

As with most religions, we decided to steal liberally from other religions to form the basis of our own, which is why you can find figures and iconography from most religions in video games. It didn’t take long for people, especially children, to begin worshipping video games. We were providing hope, escapism, and, more importantly, an opiate to the masses. What we also realized was that lots of other people were trying to move in on our territory. Mattel and Coleco in particular were converting people and we didn’t like it. We had decided from the start that we wanted our gamers to be strict monogame-ists. It was then that Kanye had another idea. Rather than attack the offshoots like Coleco and Mattel, why not completely destroy the whole medium and ressurect it? Yamauchi was convinced that his company could make a product that was far superior and addictive than what was available at the time, but he needed a a year or two to develop and test it. In the meantime, what we needed was a video game Jesus to kill and ressurect.

E.T Has Arisen

WIIIIIISE FWOM YOUR GWAAAAVE! Credit: RetroGifMaster (https://twitter.com/RetroGifmaster)

It was 1982 and the biggest movie in the world was E.T. What we did was pay Steven Spielberg an obscene amount of money to obtain the video game rights to the film, then give Howard Scott Warshaw next to no time to create the game. The goal was to have him create a terrible game and release it right before Christmas (along with tonnes of what would later become known as shovelware) in an attempt to piss off gamers and retailers. Unfortunately for our plans, Warshaw somehow managed to make a kind of groundbreaking game in the course of the five weeks we gave him. It wasn’t a great game, but it wasn’t terrible. So, to ensure our plan would succeed, it was decided that Atari would produce millions more of E.T. cartridges than there were consoles.

E.T. in the Dump

And all of you know what happened: the video game industry collapsed and two years later the Nintendo Entertainment System was released, bringing with it the return of video games thanks to an unlikely hero: R.O.B. the Robot. R.O.B., as many well know, was used to convince retailers to put the NES on their shelves, presenting the console as a toy. With R.O.B. and the NES, we ruled the world again. By then, Bushnell had retired from the gaming and animatronic nightmare factory industries and Kanye decided to move on and formed the World POG Federation which, though initially successful, eventually lost his interest. Last I heard he’d moved on to making ugly clothes just to see if people would still pay for it and now spends most of his time insisting that no one has ever put their fingers in his anus. I wish I still had those pictures from the 70s.

Kill it with nukes!

Virtual R.O.B.

With those departures from our group, we were left unprepared for the launch of the TurboGrafx-16 and Sega Genesis/Mega Drive. We’ve never recovered. Maybe if we’d still had Kanye and his genius with us, we could’ve held on. Ultimately, things started to unravel and we didn’t know what to do. We also never imagined how some of our policies would play out. Our strict enforcement of our monogame-ist doctrine nearly split the gaming world in half in an all out war. Families were destroyed. Friendships ruined forever. Many children died in schoolyard skirmishes throughout the world. It was World Video Game War I. The following gaming generation was even worse in terms of our loss of control, though instead of an outright war, things devolved into a kind of cold war, now with three camps: Nintendo, Sega, and Sony. We panicked and tried all kinds of things like virtual reality, motion controls, and even a VR R.O.B the Robot, but ended up alienating even more people.

Wagglers

With new consoles came new religions. The members of the Church of Gordon Freeman and Latter Day Games, an offshoot of the People’s Church of Men Aggressively Stating That Everyone’s Required to Recognize Advanced Computer Excellence, patiently and eagerly await the third coming of Jesus (with MC Hammer’s pants being his second coming). JENOVA’s Witnesses, citing E.T.’s alien origins, believe that Jesus himself was not only an alien, but also a woman. Another particular sect uses an altered version of the books Exodus Exes and Bad Duderonomy where the only change is that all the commandements become postitives. They literally do what the others don’t. Even worse, there are now people openly advocating for polygame-y. Others espouse a return to gaming’s roots as a means of saving gamers’ souls. The Cathode-lic Church and the Retroformed Episcopal Church refuse to play games on anything but original hardware diplayed on CRT televisions. The Gamish only play non-electronic games and games without buttons. The Eastern Orthodox Church only plays Japanese games.

Lord Gaben

In Gabe We Trust

In any case, I felt it was time for gamers to know that the puppet masters do not concern themselves with what’s good for you, only with what’s good for their banks accounts. Whether it’s Gabe Newell over at the Church of Our Lady of Steam Sales, Shigeru Miyamoto and his radical Press-starterian Church, the Wagglers, Seventh Level Adventists, the Church of the Flying Lakitu Monster, or even the Malonite Church, there’s a good chance the people at the top are just trying to do what we did to convince you to give them as much of your money as possible. It feels good to get this all off my chest. There is too much whorship in gaming today, whether it be companies, developers, games, characters, genres, or consoles. The one exception is my new church, where I promise free games, no DRM, a focus on the physical world, and love for all games and gamers. We are called the Church of Habitually Arduous Mellifluous Ecumenical Ludonarrative Evolution Organised Numerically and we need your money.

Here is a picture of our real chruch from which I give all my online sermons. You can send us money here: www.totallynotascam.com

This Is A Totally Real Church

 

Series Navigation<< Atari Poop – WabaileyAtari Poop – SNES Classic Edition Games Predictions >>
What do you think of this post?
  • Hop! 
visage

About Atsinganoi

Atsinganoi started gaming in the early 80s on an Atari 2600 and still thinks they're kinda neat. You can find him on Twitter if you want, just don't call him a frog.

3 Comments

  1. I’m not sure what the fuck I just read.

    But it’s glorious.

    • Sometimes the truth is hard to digest. Sometimes you need to have a good poop to make room for the truth.

  2. um

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *